We’re not together any more but we’re still friends, which is brilliant and incredibly hard at the same time. And when we see each other we’ll still say “hey, beautiful” – and it’ll still be casual, but it’s like an echo of the times we used to say it before. And there are times when all I want to do is reach out and hold that person again and try to get back somewhere like where we were before, that combination of intimacy and ease, intoxicating, continually surprising and at the same time almost obvious, like it had been there all the way along through life and we’d just missed it.

But of course you can’t go back. It’s simply not possible because we’ve changed – we changed while we were together and we’ve changed since; and I don’t know how this person feels any more, whether they see me as a friend or whether there’s anything stronger or deeper there, and I don’t even know how I feel. That’s the crazy bit – that missing someone that much can sometimes just feel like nostalgia or self-indulgence and at other times it’s bigger than thirst.

But when we’ll meet I’ll probably still say “hey, beautiful” and hope they will too.

An echo’s better than silence.

I didn’t believe them

A month later I have lost over a stone and my grandparents visited last week. It was then my gran decided I was beautiful. but maybe it was just the amount I had changed. I dont think beauty should relate to how much you weigh. but in todays society it is based on being the same as everyone else, not being unique. and is it different when it comes from family? there is something more special about it coming from someone who doesn’t love you unconditionally?

last night (student night) I was told I was gorgeous. but a) i think he was deffinately wearing some form of beer goggles and b) maybe he was trying to get into my pants? plus gorgeous isn’t beautiful. is it? somehow beautiful is more, i duno, sincere i guess.